Brentwood Press - Index

Brentwood Press - AntiochPress_07.18.08 - Index

JULY 18, 2008 COMMUNITY THEPRESS.NET | 9A
Getting a (low) rise out of man
According to my 14-year-old daughter,
I dress way too young for my age. At
fi rst I didn’t think much about her comments
because, quite frankly, I was proud
of the fact that I could fi t into clothes
from the Juniors section. OK, so maybe
the jeans don’t fi t me
HANGIN’ IN
THERE
VICKI
MCKENNA
the way they do a
teenager. So what if I
tug at the waistline all
day trying to cover up
my 5- baby-tummypooch?
Hey, I’m
wearing Junior size!
“Mom, you’re
just trying to look
young,” says my
daughter, completely
disgusted. To which
I reply, “Well, duh!” Young people are
always trying to look older. Older people
want to look younger. That’s life.
My daughter dragged me over to
the Misses’ section once. (The mere word
makes me shudder!) She started picking
out stuff with a strong nautical theme.
A lot of anchors and gold buttons. Then
came the big boxy blazers and the pleated
trousers. What next, an ascot and some
orthopedic shoes? Yuck!
Not to mention the prices! All that
matronly stuff was expensive! I went running
back to the Juniors section, feverishly
grabbing cami tops and low-rise jeans. She
rolled her eyes and stormed off.
I must admit that there are some
stores I can’t shop at, and it’s probably a
good thing. Take, for instance, Hollister.
This store caters to extremely thin, possibly
anorexic young girls. I tried on a size
“large” T-shirt and got my head stuck in
the neck hole. I fi nally pulled it off, but I
heard a few seams rip. (Oops!) I guess another
sign that I’m too old to shop there is
that I can’t read the price tags. They keep
it so dark in there, you need a fl ashlight.
Wow, wouldn’t that be embarrassing?
Maybe I’ll bring one along the next time I
go in there with my 14-year-old …
Here’s the truth of it. I absolutely
hate getting old, and I’m in denial about
it. I keep hoping that if I dress young, I’ll
miraculously look young. In my mind, I’m
still 28 years old, but when I glance in the
mirror, Ahhh! What a cruel joke nature
plays on us middle-aged folk.
My ultimate dose of reality came
while walking around the mall with my
daughter. We spotted an Abercrombie &
Fitch model posing in front of the store.
We had to get a closer look. Wow. He was
wearing low-rise jeans, no shirt, and an
unzipped parka exposing his entire upper
body. This guy had a six-pack that would
not quit and he smelled incredible. We
were both swooning. Now, I like to fl irt
and consider myself pretty good at it, but
this guy didn’t even acknowledge my existence.
Even my wittiest compliments fell
on deaf (and very good-looking) ears. He
only had eyes for my youthful daughter,
and she knew it. I was invisible.
It doesn’t help that my kids enjoy
tormenting me with old-age jokes and
constant insults. They get a big kick out of
taking unexpected and really unattractive
photos of me with their camera phones,
and then laughing hysterically at them for
20 minutes while I slave away in the kitchen
preparing dinner for them. (Would it be
considered child abuse if I dropped some
Ex-Lax into their Mac-n-Cheese?)
On the other hand, my husband does
dress his age and he cannot escape their
insults either. He looks like a 40-ish dad
with his baggy shorts, tube socks, faded
T-shirt and safety goggles. (He does a lot
of work in the yard and around the house
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and likes to be safe.) He has a farmer’s tan
because of all the yard work, but when he
takes his shirt off to try and even it out,
the kids are all over that, too. No one is
safe from their heckling.
Make no mistake: I plan on being
there for my daughter’s 40th birthday. I’ll
be the old blue-haired lady buzzing around
the kitchen in my motorized wheelchair
snapping unfl attering photos of her with
my camera phone and snickering about
them with my grandchildren. And yes, I
will still be wearing low-rise jeans.
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