Brentwood Press - Index

Brentwood Press - BrentwoodPress_07.04.08.pdf - Index

JULY 4, 2008 COMMUNITY THEPRESS.NET | 13A
Exorcism from page 9A
shared a tear when a sentimental
message arrived or when sad news
came via e-mail.
Before it demonstrated psychopathic
symptoms, my computer was
an equal partner in writing projects,
making it easy to correct errors and
format a page, thus allowing my
thoughts to fl ow freely. I’ll never forget
the novel we collaborated on a few
years ago. And the stocks it helped me
buy, which, now that I think about it,
lost money. Ahhh Ha! That’s another
trick in its bag. The computer suckered
me into buying stocks by making
it easy and almost too much fun to
click, click, click my money away. If I
had only known its true motives …
But here’s how I solved the problem
without destroying my computer.
I made a phone call to a man who
deals with these situations. I can’t give
you his real name, so I’ll refer to him
by his occupation. He’s a Computer
Exorcist. He’s the man to call when
you suspect that your computer has
gone over to the dark side.
It was late at night when the
Computer Exorcist appeared under
the streetlight in front of my house;
dark coat with the collar up, hat
pulled low hiding his eyes, a black bag
in his left hand. I opened the door
and he entered without a word. My
wife peeked out of the bedroom as he
and I listened to the strange sounds
emanating from the den. Our eyes met
and I’m convinced that he knew what
he was up against. I stepped back and
the Computer Exorcist opened the
door to the den and entered slowly.
The den door seemed to slam shut on
its own and the gut-wrenching sounds
immediately increased in volume while
an icy fi nger seemed to run up and
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down my spine.
After several hours, total silence
descended on the den and the Computer
Exorcist emerged, disheveled,
physically and emotionally drained.
Without saying a word, he staggered
out my front door and disappeared
into the night. His job was done.
The computer suckered
me into buying stocks by
making it easy and almost
too much fun to click,
click, click my money
away.
I waited until the following morning
to venture into my den. The computer
was quiet and appeared benign.
I approached it tentatively, and when
I turned it on, it purred like a kitten.
I began to relax. I was amazed to fi nd
that it obeyed my commands, it didn’t
tempt me with stock buys, and it
opened screens with renewed enthusiasm,
sifted junk mail in the blink
of an eye and displayed my favorites
gleefully. It was just like the old days.
The exorcism had been a success.
Exorcism can only be successful
in extreme cases, where a computer
has progressed from neurosis to rebellion,
through a psychotic phase and
fi nally to outright possession. At that
point the Computer Exorcist should
be called. However, in the event that
an exorcism should fail to remove the
demons from your computer, a fi re
ax or a shotgun should be considered
Plan B.
To comment on this column, visit
www.thepress.net.
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